If at first you don’t succeed

It’s been a long two weeks, which makes the bad news even more hurtful. Yesterday our test came back negative. Cycle one has failed.

A bit of backstory, as I haven’t updated here in a minute:

  • 6 eggs retreived
  • 5 eggs fertilized
  • 2 embryos made it to 5-day transfer
  • 1 embryo transfered, and 1 embryo went to cryo-storage

In other words, we’ve got one more shot at this.

Describing a failed IVF cycle escapes words. Because it feels like a loss, even if it isn’t the same as, say, a miscarriage. Just a couple of cells, not even implanted, so pregnancy hasn’t even happened yet. And yet, I feel as though…. well, it hurts.

We had some great news this week too: I haven’t yet updated over at my other blog, but Mom’s PET scans show no signs of cancer! The bone marrow biopsies are showing some atypical cells, so we can’t say the words “cancer free” just yet, but all signs are pointing toward an excellent recovery.

Still, negativity bias. Whomp, whomp.

That’s not really how I am, or at least not how I try to be. I try to stay positive, I try to be chipper. I try not to bury myself in work, or distract myself. I try to process real emotions, but remain optimistic.

Yet, when push comes to shove, I retreat to these old ways. I work longer hours. I watch too many movies, or listen to music too loudly. I read books. I futz with my phone at dinner. Call these coping mechanisms, I guess, but today they just feel like the only option.

When your first round of IVF fails. I asked for extra listeria. Too soon?

A post shared by Courtney Grinfeld Fabio (@ringleaderc) on

I can only keep reminding myself that the goal is not to be pregnant, the goal is to have children. And we’re a long way from reaching that. We’re getting one step closer to that goal, even with each failure.

Now excuse me while I escape to Westeros for a while.

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